I can’t do this. I’m terrified, worried sick, my lungs are on fire, I can barely breathe. I watch as my hands shake and tremor, barely able to light my cigarette, the flickering flame blurring and sputtering into the wind. I keep swearing and my roll-up flutters to the floor and I almost fall scrabbling for it. The concrete cool against my skin contrasting against the blinding white pain flaring through my body as I crack my head on the table.
I hear an amused chuckle and I catch in the reflection on the steel table a look that makes my stomach do backflips, a smile so blinding it radiates through me. “BOLLOCKS” my mind screams as I realize my crush is, as always early. She smiles and flicks open a lighter she carries because I, her best friend smoke and effortlessly lights my dogeared scrag end scrounged from the floor. For me as she orders my favorite drink from memory. I take a slow drag and start to calm though my heart is pounding, throbbing, the noise of my body echoing through my chest, over the buzzing of the air-con, over the crap bar music, even almost managing to cover up her voice. She’s gorgeous!
I tear open the bag of crisps for us to pick at and blush, purring inwardly at each fleeting touch. We are talking about everything and nothing. I barely remember anything and yet… Yet I know her as she knows me; hopes, dreams, fears music taste, clothes and everything that makes us, well us.
And yet, she doesn’t know, she can’t know what my body and mind screams, what I desire and lust for, what I need and desire, what I am begging for each night in my single bed alone.
I mumble and blush and she asks me to speak up. It takes me about half an hour or so it seems, the sweat pooling in my shirt as I finally get the courage to potentially destroy my relationship with my best friend. She pauses coughing in shock her eyes wide, as her heart pounds and I can see into her eyes she isn’t interested, I’m sure. I stutter blushing, grovelling my apologies. “I guess I better go.” I stand to leave pushing my chair into the table and turning away biting my lip to hold the tears a little, I move to walk away and I start heading to the door.
I’m outside swearing inside my head that I’ve blown it, starting the bike with a kick-start. Because I can vent my anger the bastard thing starts after three kicks, the engine roaring up into life, muffling my anger in smoke and sound.
As I swing my leg over the bike I hear the pannier unbuckling and I turn my head to see her slipping the helmet I bought for her use on. She’s in her leather jacket and has her gloves on as normal. I heard the crackle of the intercom as the bike dropped slightly, her body pressed into mine. “Take me home, to our bed. Please, please tell me this is real. I couldn’t bear it if you were joking.”
My heart leaps, pounding as I opened the throttle and grinned. “My bunny. Let’s go home.” I didn’t need the headset to hear the whoop of joy at my answer before she giggled as the bike powered through the tunnel, the front wheel flicked up with a dab of the clutch, hearing that giggle that stopped my heart every time and feeling the familiar squeezing of her sliding her hand round my waist. I blushed, losing myself into joy and love as her hand slipped far lower than it ever had before, promising so much more than before, my world becoming so much more; more intense, more beautiful.
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